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great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Do bees even have knees?
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
We get it poets: things are like other things
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.