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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.