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A wise man once said nothing.
If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.