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Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.