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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?