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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?