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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.