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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.