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A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!