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"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Being normal is boring.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.