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I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Iām mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.