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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
The future is much like the present, only longer.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
life is short play naked
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”