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When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.