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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there