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I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.