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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?