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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.