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If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.