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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.