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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.