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I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.