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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.