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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
Iām sorry Iām late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."