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Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...