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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.