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Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
I’m bored enough to clean.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."