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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.