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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you