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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.