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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.