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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
What’s the answer to this question?
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.