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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
You had me at 0 mutual friends
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.