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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
Save water. Shower with me. ;)
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.