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I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
I`m a little Stressed right now ... Just turn around and leave quietly and no one gets hurt.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.