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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?