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Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.