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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.