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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
The only dates I get are updates.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
High-five a veteran today.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"