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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.