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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.