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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.