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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
My IQ? ... With google or without?