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If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
I laugh in the face of normal.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!