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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
Honk if you are reading this.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.