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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.