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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I only accept apologies in cash.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...