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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.