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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.