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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
You look like I need another drink
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"