Daily Silly Status

I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.

I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.

I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.

You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.

In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.

I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!

What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones

I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.

I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.