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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.