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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation