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"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.