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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
life is too short to match socks
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.