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I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
My body needs a refresh button.