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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either