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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.