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As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.