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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend