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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.