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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.