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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
We should not have trusted anything Charlotte wrote in her web. She was consistently talking out of her ass.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.