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Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch