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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.