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Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...