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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.