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Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.