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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."