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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.