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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Sex, do it for the kids.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Being alive is so expensive.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell