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My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.