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Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom