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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.