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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.