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Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.