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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.