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You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.