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To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.