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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.