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I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Please don`t hastag out loud...
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
Tieam... problem solved
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.