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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
You had me at 0 mutual friends