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My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.