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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"