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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.