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Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.