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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.