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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.