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Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?