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I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.