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I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
I get as much action as a white crayon.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.