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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!