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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?