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If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
exercise........you mean extra fries
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.