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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around