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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.