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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.