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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.