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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.