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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.