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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.